Critics Agree Part VII: The Hollow Death

Pundits periodically pontificate on the perennial prospect of film criticism perishing.  These high-falutin' fools certainly have not scoured the pages of Netflix where intellectual rigor and thoughtful analysis lay there for the taking.

Charade-

"My apple was set at the loudest volume setting but I could barely hear. Therefore I stopped watching" --1 star


F for Fake-

"I want to punch all the people who made glowing reviews about this garbage. I rented it because I thought it was a documentary. Pay zero attention to what the description says because it's a complete lie. What you get is some artsy crappy film where Orson is just talking. He talks over every thing. It's all about Orson sitting with a drink and blabbering on. There's zero movie in this. The footage is naturally very old but it's all shaky and terrible looking. My breaking point came when Orson was reading poetry for no reason while crazy music played and things were on fire. Absolutely the most horrible film of any kind that I've ever seen." --1 star


All About Eve-

"Frankly, the starting scene of this movie was so boring and uninteresting that it moved me to turn the whole CD off. I like theater plays, but I couldn't care less about theater performers' problems. Maybe I should have been more patient." --2 stars

"Very boring! The story was vague and the characters uninteresting. Nothing really happens. A scene in which Marilyn Monroe is sitting on the stairs chatting with a group of people at a cocktail party was the only worthwhile part. We quit watching halfway through. Don't waste your time on this one." --1 star

The Adventures of Robin Hood-

"Our family just loved this movie! Lots of excitement, adventure and laughs. Would recommend highly." --2 stars


The Sting-

"I am not a fan of ragtime mnusic nor of films involving gambling. Therefore I did not watch this movie, only the first 20 minutes or so. Did not appeal to me." --2 stars

"Ok, so I watched the Sting. Part of me wanted to turn it off so I did. A few days later I finished it. If you need to fall asleep, put this movie on. So overrated-" --1 star


The Wild Bunch-

"I watched 28 minutes of it and got bored to death. Acting was terrible and the violence just a 1960,s spaghetti western yawn. Dont waste your time. Whoever compared this to even the worst Clint Eastwood flick must be on drugs." --1 star

"It would be nice to see a preview of a movie that you are interested in.But for months now I been writing in regard to this and no one replys. Does anyone get to watch a preview before they rent a movie? Please let me know.Thank you xfiles535@aol.com" --5 stars


L'Avventura-

"What adventure? Our Greater Swiss Mountain dog, Oscar, has more adventures sniffing out deer and chasing squirrels." --2 stars

"Sorry. After the island scenes, this movie was so profoundly boring it almost had me wishing for Transformers." --1 star

"why did this film win so many awards?? i have no idea.. it was slow-moving and boring. Theyre supose to be looking for their missing friend and they just kind of forget about her and hook-up with each other instead... hos." --1 star


Unfaithfully Yours-

"If only the main character wasn't a total jerk, or maybe if the plot wasn't telegraphed from the start, or maybe if the comedy was funny instead of slow-motion slapstick... Maybe I should have liked this movie. It had period charm and black & white drama. But ultimately it was boring." --2 stars


Crimes and Misdemeanors-

"Disc arrived cracked, never received a replacement ( 5 days of mem=bership wasted )" --5 stars

The Critics Agree Part VI: The Second-to-Last Nightmare

The following are honest-to-goodness reviews from the Netflix populace at large. Those with weak constitutions are encouraged to tread cautiously.

The Maltese Falcon-

"I can't rate it because I did not watch it. It did not play. I cannot find where to report a problem." --5 stars

Barbarella-

"I can except and enjoy campy, yet Barbarella is far just campy, it's plain awful. My biggest problem with this film is it's boring and if anything boring is the death nail to a bad movie. A bad movie should at least be entertaining even in it's awful state. Barbarella just put me to sleep." --1 star

"Movies like this make me thank God we have the Adult movie industry now. This is what young men had to settle for back in the 60s...and it probably just made them more sexually frusturated. Although boring and just plain awful, Barbarella helped catalyze the adult and NC-17 movies that we have today. For that, it earns a star." --1 star

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes-

"A horrible propaganda piece for the diamond industry. As a movie, it's so bad I fast-forwarded through most of it, and I still didn't miss a thing!" --1 star

My Own Private Idaho-

"Color me "shallow" but I don't get it, even after reading what the movie is supposed to be about. Hated it!" --1 star

"I saw this when it came out and hated it back then. I gave it another chance and hated it even more. It is actually boring. It isn't 100% bad (like Gummo) but I still couldn't finish it." --1 star

"It's definitely got the "art" factor, as beautiful scenes of Idaho drift around as narcoleptic Phoenix sleeps. However, I think the mere fact that Phoenix chose to play this role marks the direction Phoenix was headed in life- that is, towards destruction and untimely death. It's not wonderful. It's not to be praised. It's a complete waste of talent. The movie- all the fornication, prostitution, and homosexuality- is disgusting. People praise it for being "honest" and "powerful" but that doesn't make it good. Would we want to watch a movie about sexual slavery in which 12 year old girls are assaulted? No, we wouldn't. And we wouldn't praise it either. It doesn't matter if the acting is fabulous, if the director was flawless, if the dialogue is perfect- the story itself will fill your mind with garbage and with imagery that will pollute your brain. I do not recommend this movie." --1 star

Forbidden Planet-

"Every time I've watched this movie I fell asleep. As another reviewer here mentions, the romance part of this movie drags the movie down, especially for a movie that is now 'dated'. Update: You know, maybe it's the commonplace sappy romance that was typically thrown in back in the day of moviemaking that now makes this movie seem oh so dated." --1 star

"What is up with this movie, its old why isn't it instance watchable or rent-able??? Aside from that, it would get 5 stars since its a great movie and a classic." --1 star

Kiss Me Kate-

"Tap dancing and Shakespeare do not mix well together. We could not sit through this movie." -- 1 star

A Fistful of Dollars-

"This Was Just OK For Me. Not Very Exciting, Kind Of Boring, It Didnt Really Hold My Attention, And It Was Kind Of Silly In Places. Also, There Were A Lot Of Weird Things About The Background Noises... Weird "Cat" Like Growls, Creepy Laugh/Cry Noises.... And Whats The Deal With The Little Kid Who Has The Voice Of A 20 Year Old?? Why Couldnt They Just Use His Real Voice??? I Would Have Given It A 2, But I Think My Boyfriend Liked It, So I Gave It A 3." --3 stars

"The sound track must have been dubbed. It was so bad and so distracting that I couln'd watch the movie. I was very dissapointed!" --1 star

The Fly-

"It doesn't make sense to me that this DVD is listed with an unknown release date when it is available to buy, "IN STOCK", in DVD format on Amazon for $15.00.(???)" --3 stars

Pennies from Heaven-

"I did not like this movie at all. I could not get trough the first fifteen minutes. I don't like a movie when the actors burst out in song in the middle of a scene. I extremely disappointed." --1 star

You go girl!

The Critics Agree Part V: The Umpire Strikes Out

The following are raw, uncut, uncensored reviews from the denizens of Netflix. You have been warned.

Open City-

"Boring, pompous, and pathetic garbage -- very old italian fantasy about how heroic their nation is. OK, trains still don't go on time... Operetta germans, heroic priests, magazine-cover kids, forced conversation, bad (frequently missing!) subtitles, video quality low (all the scratches, blotches, and dark areas are here, just like you're watching the old film -- I mean, actually acetate film). But the video quality is not what's important here; what's important is that this is an old, shallow, and stupid film with a lot of phoney pathos." --2 stars

Notorious-

"I don't know why this movie is considered a "classic". It seems to be made with very little effort. Though the movie takes place in Miami and Brazil I don't think anyone making the movie ever left the soundstage. The plot is very simple with a dissapointing ending. The characters arent fully developed. And Hitchcock basically phoned-in the direction." --2 stars

"This disc is veray old and has places where it wavers and acts strangly. You might think about updating it." --3 stars

Blue Velvet-

"This movie was odd and strange. The description of the movie leads you to believe it would be really good. However, this movie is terrible. I would not recommend." --1 star

"If Dennis Hopper didn't have the "f" word he would be devoid of speech. Sorry to see the daughter of Ingrid Bergman reduced to such drivel. She must be turning over in her grave." --1 star

A Fish Called Wanda-

"I kept expecting this movie to get funny and it never did. Honestly i thought they had accidentally labeled it wrong. Very old and simple people might get a few giggles but there is nothing resembling a joke in this entire film." --1 star

The Manchurian Candidate-

"This was just an awful movie. The premise of the movie is okay believable. But, the side plots are ridiculous. For example, Janet Leigh is sitting on the train next to a total stranger (Frank Sinatra). He's flipping out from post war trauma. So, she gives him her phone number yeah, right. Then she looks up her fiance and explains that she has met someone else. That's just one example of how badly written this screenplay was." --1 star

Some Like It Hot-

"Not funny according to today's standards.Very skimpy dress on Marlyn. Also much too fat FIGURE." --2 stars

The Band Wagon-

"This Band Wagon is one that everyone should jump off of and find a more realistic use of their time with either another movie with some character or go to the park and feed ducks. Astaire is an overaged matchup for Cyd Charisse and appears to be asking himself continually, "what the hell am I doing here?" It looks more like a father/daughter relationship than an actual romantic encouter and musical story. This film is tragic and anyone who gave it more than a one should have a reality check. I know the 50's were a very rough time for the movie industry and with this picture anyone can see why....even the late Ray Charles." --1 star

The Wizard of Oz-

"Just godawful So cloying. The portrayal of the 'little people' with their helium voices is unbearable. All the characters are treated with nauseating condescension and frightening levels of sentimentality. At the center, poor busty Judy Garland bursting out of her dress, pretending to be a child, and off-camera being fed uppers by her mother. Yes, there's her powerful, beautiful voice to the rescue, but did any performer ever look so uncomfortable with herself and so miserable to be there? Her palpable itch to be anywhere else undermines the soggy cuteness of the movie, which - in its way - is good." --1 star

"I rented this to see what the story is with Pink Floyd's Darkside of the Moon. There were a few moments where the music coinsided with the film, which made it cool. To watch it, start the cd at the third lion roar at the beginning. The producer, Mervyn Leroys credit is at the transition from "Speak to Me" to "Breathe". When the cd ends, pause the movie and restart the music from the beginning." --2 stars

"I was SO glad to see that not everyone thinks this is the greatest movie. This is the goofiest movie I have ever seen. The acting is HORRIBLE, with the exception of a few songs, the songs are HORRIBLE, the plot is lame. The ONLY thing that is good about this movie is the color effects and the switch from B/W to color is clever." --2 stars

Cabaret-

"Oh, I see, like "triumph of the will." You're supposed to end up rooting for the Nazis, right? No? Are you sure? Then who the hell am I rooting for? The completely vacuous Englishman? The least likeable female lead I've ever seen? (What is she, someone's daughter?) Oh right, Joel Grey, who is actually kind of awesome, even though he plays his character like some confusing level boss in an poorly translated Japanese video game. This movie had me thinking: "was the original play good? The book? How could they be?" This movie captures pre World War II Germany the way my farts capture what I just ate". --1 star

Goodnight and good luck.

The Critics Agree Part IV: Critics on Patrol

The following are real, unedited reviews from Netflix subscribers. Caveat emptor.

The Cabinet of Dr Caligari

--"The little screens with the words on them -- no idea what they're called, if they have a name -- were really hard to read; They were bright green and the letters looked like they were cut from construction paper by a 3rd grader on cocaine." --2 stars

--"Be sure to check out Rob Zombie's video for "Living Dead Girl." Rob is obviously a huge fan of the movie and his homage to its legacy is done thoroughly and respectfully." --4 stars

La Strada

--"I watched this film in my history of film class. I believe that this film is way overrated, along with most other art films of the era" --1 star

Ikiru

--"One either loves Kurosawa’s movies or hates them. I hate them. Though I admit, I hate this one less than the other Kurosawa movies I saw. On this movie, Kurosawa has hard time to talk in context, as usual. However, on this movie he presents characters and not shallow stereotypes." --1 star

--"The DVD was broken. We had to skip two very important chapters to see it through to the end. Please fix it!" --4 stars

Black Narcissus

--"I didn't like this film. I thought the characters were stereotypical. All of the pastels in the sets just didn't work for me. I got very bored with the film and stopped watching after about 20 minutes" --1 star

--"The reviews which describe this movie as "a painting" are right, but it is kind of like looking at a painting for 100 minutes. As beutiful as it is, it is not even a medium paced interesting film. It reminds me of The Sound of Music, but without the Music or interesting plot points. I made a mistake in renting this. I usually don't like "for everyone in the family" movies (and there is NOTHING offensive about this one). Safe for all ages, but not my cup of tea" --2 stars

Pickpocket

--"Its pretentious, stupid, and moves along like a donkey ruminating betwixt a carrot or an apple, yet it somehow holds your interest long enough to not be thoroughly disgusted by the imbeciles who make up its cast. So I guess its somewhat interesting-but slow baby, slooow. I found myself praying that the main character would get the guillotine for being SUCH a poseur-but alas, the witless little turd doesn't meet a horrific fate-what this film needs is for somebody to light a goddamn fire underneath the languid wannabes who sleepwalk their way thru it-a film for phonies who think doing nothing is tantamount to deep thinking- its spare, minimalist style harkens not to a profound existential treatise on the soulless nature of the petite bourgeoisie-it speaks of the deluded boredom of the overeducated and underwhelmed.A real self concious bore and pass the benzedrine margaret, I think I see another scene coming up" --1 star

--"Rule 1. A film must not be so taken with itself that if bores everybody else. This film violates Rule 1." --2 stars

I Am Cuba

--"Parts were entertaining. It showed many aspects of pre-Castro Cuba.Of course itis a documentary and perhaps not made to be entertaining. Fair" --2 stars

--"The DVD I had did not have an option for any kind of subtitles. And I dont speak spanish" --1 star

The Dirty Dozen

--"Pointless, macho b*llshit made for the purpose of expatiating the sins of the Americans in Vietnam. Worthless.." --1 star

Hell in the Pacific

--"This movie Sucked, I am a big Lee M. fan and I who sooo disapointed!!!!!!!!!!!!!" --1 star

The Big Red One

--"Aside from the nudity, this movie was NOT great! It was, in my eyes, very boring, not very erotic, and it threw in a few "shock" scenes which added to it's bad quality. They tried to give some light "Caligula-type" shock but only creeped me out instead. It was definately a waste of my time!" --2 stars

--"Salon Kitty is a good watch. There is plenty of full nudity, both male and female. Director Tinto Brass is excellent at filming the female form. The films eroticism is broken up at times though with disturbing images. The acting and sets are very good. This print is very good with scenes I had not seen in another U.S. released tape." --3 stars

--"For some reason, two of the top reviews for The Big Red One are, in fact, about Tinto Brass's Salon Kitty, and while I"m sure there's some cross-over appeal between the two films, one should not be confused for the other." --5 stars

Onward and upward!

The Critics Agree With Us: Christmas Edition

Miriam Bale at New York's The L Magazine polled a bunch of Critics We Like about their favorite underrated Christmas movies, including Molly Haskell, Andrew Sarris, Jonathan Rosenbaum, Dave Kehr and others.

Here's my own Top 5 Christmas Movies:

1. It's a Wonderful Life (Frank Capra, 1946)
2. The Shop Around the Corner (Ernst Lubitsch, 1940)
3. All That Heaven Allows (Douglas Sirk, 1955)
4. Meet Me In St. Louis (Vincente Minnelli, 1944)
5. Die Hard (John McTiernan, 1989)

And here's Mike's:

1. It's a Wonderful Life (Frank Capra, 1946)

2. A Christmas Story (Bob Clark, 1983)

3. Fanny and Alexander (Ingmar Bergman, 1982)

4. Bad Santa (Terry Zwigoff, 2003)

5. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (Jeremiah S. Chechik, 1989)

The Critics Agree Part III: And the Lost Crusade

The following is a compendium of actual unedited reviews from Netflix subscribers. Let the mean-spirited tomfoolery begin.

Shall We Dance

--"2 1/2 stars. I've never been a fan of the "song and dance" flicks, but a few things surprised me about Shall We Dance: 1) The first 3/4 of the film has very few song and dance numbers for a "song and dance" flick. However, the final act is one big musical number, which I guess makes up for the scarcity in the earlier acts. 2) Rogers and Astaire are, indeed, a really good on-screen couple. 3) I never noticed before that Ginger Rogers is kinda hot. This helped. 4) Although I enjoyed Shall We Dance more than I thought I would, it's still not my cup of tea." --3 stars

An American in Paris

--"Didnt like it. A young girl falls in love with a man twice her age. He should have picked the blond." --1 star

--"5 minutes of Gene Kelly = an extraordinary thing (even to someone who knows nothing about dance). 2+ hours of it = numbness. Imagine Edward Van Halen's "Eruption" guitar solo going on for the length of an entire album. You just get lost." --1 star

Funny Face

-"How could Hepburn, Astaire and the Gershwins make such a bad film? It's poorly written and directed. The characters are annoying. It seemed as though every creative person involved must have been disgusted with the project by the time it got underway. This picture is only of interest to film historians; it has no entertainment value." --1 star

--"The movie was not viewable. We could not get it to play.Please replace as soon as possible. Thank you.xxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxx x xxxxxxx xxxxxxxxx xxxxx xxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxx" --1 star

McCabe & Mrs Miller

--"This looked like Paint Your Wagon without the music. Dreary and uninteresting. Very disappointed." --1 star

--"Dull. Pointless. Glacially paced. The one novel aspect was how it somehow managed to bring drug use to the Western genre. For hippies and Altman fans only." --1 star

Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid

--"This movie had too much violence and nakedness in it also too much swearing. It showed very little concern for human life, like it didn't matter to kill someone. No morals whatever!" --1 star

Dead Man

--"Sucked! Apart from Johnny Depp, who of course is still a good actor even in this POS, and the hilariously obscenely gay scene with Iggy Pop this movie was hands down the WORST Johnny Depp/Western I've ever seen." --1 star

--"Almost like 'The Naked Gun' but western-style. Neither myself nor my husband liked this piece at all." --1 star

The Red Shoes

--"I am a friend of the Arts. I do like the ballet. However, this movie was awful. The first 15 minutes seemed to drag on. I decided to watch the entire film on a late Sunday afternoon...just to pass the time. I didn't like it." --1 star

--"Unable to view movie as it was defective. Only part of the movie was visible. Marvin Don" --1 star

The Blues Brothers

--"Yuck! I don't remember this movie being rated R. I didn't even watch it when I saw that. I am shipping it back tomorrow." -- 1 star

Purple Rain

--"I'm still wondering what this movie is supposed to be about. I would really like the 111minutes of my life that it took to watch this awful movie back please!" --1 star

--"Lisa Hair is amazing. This movie is very 80s. However The language is PRINCE universal Lugha ya PRINCE ni lugha ya duniani" --5 stars

Can't argue with that.

The Critics Agree Part II: Rise of the Fallen

The following is a compendium of actual unedited reviews from Netflix subscribers. I find this hilarious.

Fitzcarraldo

--"Boring, weird, confusing and truthfully, I fast forwarded through most of the movie because it just did not have the spirit it proposed to." --1 star

--"Extremely disappointed. All in German, including the subtitles. Would have been nice to know. Couldn't even watch it." --1 star

-"Probably one of the most boring movies ever made. It has not point, other than to get a river boat over a mountain, through the jungle. Would have been eaiser to build a new one..." --1 star

Nosferatu, A Symphony of Horror

--"THIS REVIEW IS FOR THE AVERAGE VIEWER!!! FILM STUDENTS TURN AWAY BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE: I tried, I really did, but would someone PLEASE explain to me what makes this movie so great? I am sure it was quite frightening and innovative 80 years ago, but ignore those reviews that claim it is a timeless film. Two stars only because the makeup for the vampire and the actor who played him are amazing. You know what this movie would be good for: to watch it and make up what they are saying for yourself, and drinking would also be helpful. However, something tells me this review will not be well-received. Movie-eater out." --1 star

Nosferatu the Vampyre

--Hit the "mute" button and ad lib your own (comic) dialogue!... In my opinion, the gestures accompanying this flat and stilted script are so over-dramatic, that the movie is best enjoyed as a late-night absurdity." --1 star

--"This film in Not in German as indicated. It should NOT charged to my accont asit was incorrectly advertised. Indication should read Film In English!" -- 2 stars

Aguirre: the Wrath of God

--"This one was really boring. Again this was like one of those films you are required to watch for a college course although the only thing I learned was that the conquistadors were a bunch of dufasses." -- 2 stars

Days of Heaven

--"I'm a huge Malick fan, becoming so after seeing only one of his films, 'The Thin Red Line'. 'Days' didn't inspire me at all however. Love triangles aren't exactly novel for me anymore. Also, big stars are somewhat distracting to me (Gere). This film seemed very narrow comparitively. Maybe I'm not the traget market - male." --2 stars

The New World

--"This movie had the potential of being an awesome film. It has great Actors, scenerie, costumes. But the storyline SUCKS!!! What a waste! And what's with the annoying atrusive music? Also the ending is vague and weak. Leave it to Eberg and fatturd to leave a good review." --2 stars

--"SNORE... it's a bad sign when I pick a movie for me and my Hubby and he falls into a deep sleep in the middle of it. Yes, that's how slow and quiet this movie was. Sure some beautiful landscape and Colin was hot and all, but we ended up turning it off before the end. So what was the point of the movie. Who knows. So if any of you ladies are looking for a movie to put your Hubby's to sleep with, this is the one." -- 1 star

--"The New World? I prayed for the world to end watching this borefest. Terribly tedious...pathetic action sequences....and Colin Farrell was pathetic as usual. I know that he is eye candy for the ladies, but come on! He can't act to save himself. Maybe he should stick to drinking. Avoid this movie. Don't waste a spot on your queue." --1 star

The Thin Red Line

--"If you are having trouble sleeping, rent this movie. Thin Red Line is visually stunning, but so anti-climatic that its much more exciting to watch golf." --1 star

--"I can't even put into words how horrible I thought this movie was. I would've given it about -3 stars if I could have... Watch "Saving Private Ryan" instead." --1 star

--""The war movie recasted as a blood-soaked poem”. No way in hell. I would like to punch out this director for wasting 3 hours of my life. Of my list of the 5 WORSE movies I have EVER seen this one has been right at the top, NUMBER ONE, for the past 8 years since I nearly walked out of the theater. (When after 3 hours, we finally gave up that the movie would somehow redeem itself, got up and started to walk out only to turn around and see that the credits had started rolling.) 170 minutes of pointless non-sequential war stuff. There is no point to the non-sequential aspect of this as there is no story line. There is no point to this movie at all, I can not stress this enough. It is just a bunch of stuff happening in no particular order solely to be “artistic”. I am an artist and even I hate that. Example: Midway through the film, we randomly join soldiers struggling to take a hill for 30 minutes, only to leave this scene and have no mention of it again. The worse, most pointless movie I have ever seen in my life. Artistic Crap." --1 star

His Girl Friday

--"92 minutes of intensely annoying and constant banter. Characters have no redeeming qualities. Was this satire? well, I missed it." --1 star

Twentieth Century

--"This movie is completely boring with marginal acting. This movie is a drama but John Barrymore treats it like a comedy. Carole Lombard doesn't know how to act. The movie goes on and on with very little to care about." --1 star

The Big Sleep

--"The film is like the porn version of the book, following the plot, more or less, but otherwise just film-noir dames - every single one of them - falling over each other to go down on the puny Bogey. Except that all the nudity is gone. Stay with the book, is my advice, it's a lot more fun." --2 stars

Red River

--"I have no review, because we didn't order it or watch it. You need a space for "no opinion" for such occurances." --5 stars

I couldn't have said it better myself.