Wednesday, February 3, 2010

The Critics Agree Part VI: The Second-to-Last Nightmare

The following are honest-to-goodness reviews from the Netflix populace at large. Those with weak constitutions are encouraged to tread cautiously.

The Maltese Falcon-

"I can't rate it because I did not watch it. It did not play. I cannot find where to report a problem." --5 stars


"I can except and enjoy campy, yet Barbarella is far just campy, it's plain awful. My biggest problem with this film is it's boring and if anything boring is the death nail to a bad movie. A bad movie should at least be entertaining even in it's awful state. Barbarella just put me to sleep." --1 star

"Movies like this make me thank God we have the Adult movie industry now. This is what young men had to settle for back in the 60s...and it probably just made them more sexually frusturated. Although boring and just plain awful, Barbarella helped catalyze the adult and NC-17 movies that we have today. For that, it earns a star." --1 star

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes-

"A horrible propaganda piece for the diamond industry. As a movie, it's so bad I fast-forwarded through most of it, and I still didn't miss a thing!" --1 star

My Own Private Idaho-

"Color me "shallow" but I don't get it, even after reading what the movie is supposed to be about. Hated it!" --1 star

"I saw this when it came out and hated it back then. I gave it another chance and hated it even more. It is actually boring. It isn't 100% bad (like Gummo) but I still couldn't finish it." --1 star

"It's definitely got the "art" factor, as beautiful scenes of Idaho drift around as narcoleptic Phoenix sleeps. However, I think the mere fact that Phoenix chose to play this role marks the direction Phoenix was headed in life- that is, towards destruction and untimely death. It's not wonderful. It's not to be praised. It's a complete waste of talent. The movie- all the fornication, prostitution, and homosexuality- is disgusting. People praise it for being "honest" and "powerful" but that doesn't make it good. Would we want to watch a movie about sexual slavery in which 12 year old girls are assaulted? No, we wouldn't. And we wouldn't praise it either. It doesn't matter if the acting is fabulous, if the director was flawless, if the dialogue is perfect- the story itself will fill your mind with garbage and with imagery that will pollute your brain. I do not recommend this movie." --1 star

Forbidden Planet-

"Every time I've watched this movie I fell asleep. As another reviewer here mentions, the romance part of this movie drags the movie down, especially for a movie that is now 'dated'. Update: You know, maybe it's the commonplace sappy romance that was typically thrown in back in the day of moviemaking that now makes this movie seem oh so dated." --1 star

"What is up with this movie, its old why isn't it instance watchable or rent-able??? Aside from that, it would get 5 stars since its a great movie and a classic." --1 star

Kiss Me Kate-

"Tap dancing and Shakespeare do not mix well together. We could not sit through this movie." -- 1 star

A Fistful of Dollars-

"This Was Just OK For Me. Not Very Exciting, Kind Of Boring, It Didnt Really Hold My Attention, And It Was Kind Of Silly In Places. Also, There Were A Lot Of Weird Things About The Background Noises... Weird "Cat" Like Growls, Creepy Laugh/Cry Noises.... And Whats The Deal With The Little Kid Who Has The Voice Of A 20 Year Old?? Why Couldnt They Just Use His Real Voice??? I Would Have Given It A 2, But I Think My Boyfriend Liked It, So I Gave It A 3." --3 stars

"The sound track must have been dubbed. It was so bad and so distracting that I couln'd watch the movie. I was very dissapointed!" --1 star

The Fly-

"It doesn't make sense to me that this DVD is listed with an unknown release date when it is available to buy, "IN STOCK", in DVD format on Amazon for $15.00.(???)" --3 stars

Pennies from Heaven-

"I did not like this movie at all. I could not get trough the first fifteen minutes. I don't like a movie when the actors burst out in song in the middle of a scene. I extremely disappointed." --1 star

You go girl!


martha said...

Man oh man, these are hilarious! My favorites are when they complain about the disc not working and then give it 5 stars.

sean said...

I like when they fast-forward through the ones they don't like. Why not just turn it off?

Alex said...

Interesting...I'd Never Thought Of "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" As A Propaganda Piece For The Diamond Industry Before, But That's Exactly What It Is. The Picture You Used From The Film Makes It Look Like A Propaganda Piece For Something Else Though. It Has Filled My Mind With Garbage And With Imagery That Has Polluted My Brain.