Tonight!

At 7:00 & 9:00

Top 5 Top 5 Lists Related To, But Not Including, Commando

Top 5 Arnold Schwarzenegger Films:

1. The Terminator 1 & 2 (James Cameron, 1984)
2. Conan The Barbarian (John Milius, 1982)
3. Predator (John McTiernan, 1987)
4. The Last Action Hero (John McTiernan, 1993)
5. Total Recall (Paul Verhoeven, 1990)


Top 5 Hollywood Action Movies Of The 1980s (no Sci-Fi or Sports):

1. Die Hard (John McTiernan, 1989)
2. Top Gun (Tony Scott, 1986)
3. Beverly Hills Cop (Martin Brest, 1984)
4. Lethal Weapon (Richard Donner, 1987)
5. First Blood (Ted Kotcheff, 1982)


Top 5 Films Starring Dan Hedaya:

1. Blood Simple (Joel & Ethan Coen, 1984)
2. Joe Vs. The Volcano (John Patrick Shanley, 1990)
3. Clueless (Amy Heckerling, 1995)
4. A Life Less Ordinary (Danny Boyle, 1997)
5. Dick (Andrew Fleming, 1999)


Top 5 Films Written By Steven de Souza:

1. Die Hard (John McTiernan, 1989)
2. 48 Hrs. (Walter Hill, 1982)
3. Die Hard 2: Die Harder (Renny Harlin, 1990)
4. The Running Man (Paul Michael Glaser, 1987)
5. Hudson Hawk (Michael Lehmann, 1991)


Top 5 Films Of 1985:

1. Ran (Akira Kurosawa)
2. The Purple Rose Of Cairo (Woody Allen)
3. Out Of Africa (Sydney Pollack)
4. Police Story (Jackie Chan)
5. Silverado (Lawrence Kasdan)

Links: Commando

"Commando is the greatest film of all time", says Mark Lester, director of Commando.

Need to share that Crayola portrait of Arnold with the world? CommandoFans.com is the go-to place for all of your obsessive needs.

Lastly, there are apparently 87 life lessons to be gleaned from Commando and one man dared to list them all.

Up and at them.

Big Fan: The Commandofans.com Interview

A few weeks back, while scouring the nerdnet for websites related to our current Connections series, I stumbled upon Commandofans.com, an exhaustive and entertaining place for all things Commando. It's a treasure trove of quotes, trivia, and fan-created art all linked to lil Arnie Schwarzenegger's greatest acheivement. The website was created and is currently maintained by a nice chap named Andrew. In honor of this week's Classic, I conducted a brief interview with Andrew hoping to get to the bottom of this man and this movie. What prosperous fruit could be stolen from the grocery cart of this man's mind? Let's watch!

--When was the first time you saw Commando?

I was 19 years old, and in college (circa 2001). I had always been a fan of Arnie's work in The Terminator and T2, but had never delved into his earlier movies. I picked up Commando on DVD at Wal-Mart one day and gave it a watch. It was one of those magical moments where I knew that I was seeing something special. I immediately went onto IMDb.com and started chatting with other people similarly afflicted with Commando-love. When I created the website, lots of those other posters came over and started posting on our message board. It kinda just grew organically. People just found the site and were hooked immediately. 500,000 visitors later, it's still a lot of fun.

--How many times have you seen the film?

I've officially lost count, but well over 100 times.

--How far does your Commando obsession extend (beyond hosting the website of course)? For example, do you own any seasons of either Charmed or Who's the Boss?

Ha, I never got into Alyssa Milano, but I've tracked down and watched several other classic films with Vernon Wells; i.e. Max Max 2, Weird Science, Fortress, Innerspace, Circuitry Man, and several MacGyver episodes. I own autographed photos of Schwarzenegger and Vernon Wells, press kits, lobby cards, scripts, posters, magazine articles, production stills, the soundtrack, and of course I run the Commando Fans website. I've met several message board members around he world and we've had drunken Commando viewings. We were able to track down Vernon Wells, who recorded a brilliant introduction video for the website. I've also corresponded with Director Mark Lester via e-mail. Very cool stuff.

--What is your favorite color??

Orange.

--How would you rate Arnold Schwarzenegger as a governor?

I don't live in California, so I can only go by news reports and friends who live there. I think he's done as best as he could with the system that's in place. California has an insane constitution whereby the people can change the law with a majority vote on initiatives. They basically bypass the Governor and State Legislature. I've heard it said that California is "ungovernable", something repeated by both Democratic and Republican administrations. The jury's still out, but I'll always feel that he belongs on the silver screen.

--In your opinion what would be the best Commando-themed attraction, if Universal Studios decided to build one?

Probably a dark boiler room where an oiled up Austrian bodybuilder launches steam pipes through an animatronic RoboBennett. Either that or a Canoe with Wings. Literally.

--Why is there not already a Commando-themed attraction at Universal Studios?

True action films are less in fashion now, plus studios are always looking to attract families to their parks with CGI penguins and other bullshit. Commando has a huge cult following, but I'm guessing the majority don't visit theme parks. This one doesn't.

--Should we write Congress and/or Universal demanding a Commando-themed attraction?

I doubt it would do any good. However, we DID get the Director's Cut DVD through an online petition. We were even included in the special feature credits! So sure, write your congressperson. Tell them to finish healthcare first though. And maybe work on the economy too.

--If you could have the ability to fly or be invisible, which would you choose?

Being a guy, I should naturally choose invisibility due to the incredible opportunity to spy on naked women. However, I think I'll go with flying. Sully thought he could fly. He thought wrong...

--What is your favorite line from Commando??

"Welcome back, John. So glad you could make it!"

Commando: It's Like Arnold Coming At You... With No Brakes

Guest columnist Elicia Sanchez is much cooler than Sean and me. I know, hard to believe. For proof let's just check the back of her trading card: heavy-hitting rock 'n' roll drummer (Sorry Safari: Olympia or Bust Tour 2008); comic aficionado (Greg Rucka based a character on her, no foolin'!); and expert on vintage action cinema. Dig her Seagal-style self-portrait:

Oh, did I forget to mention her art credentials? Behold the spot-on portraits of Sean:

And me:

Like I said, much cooler than us. Despite feeling utterly inferior in her exalted presence, we mustered up the courage to beg for Elicia's esteemed opinions on Commando, this week's Classic. She kindly assented. Cheers resounded throughout our kingdom. Rejoice!

by Elicia Sanchez

The 80s were filled with many notable and not-so notable over-the-top action flicks (Over the Top starring Sly Stallone being one of the them). Many of them starred the same faces, you know, the ones that brought us Planet Hollywood; where you were able to enjoy a “Roadhouse burger” and a “Pretty in Pink mocktail” whilst you and your family pondered over the whimsical placemats featuring a guess-who of Hollywood stars' yearbook pictures, is that really Oprah? Planet Hollywood was where I found out Tom Cruise and I had the same size hands, and no I don’t want to talk about it…One of my favorite of these action-packed entrepreneurs was Arnold Schwarzenegger, whose last name we will always be a little uncomfortable pronouncing. Arnold was the perfect action star: he was huge, he could pick up large objects and throw them over long distances, he was not picky about plotlines and dialogue and he was a horrible actor…but he didn’t give a shit. He never really tried to be any better (like Harrison Ford) and I always respected that. Commando is a perfect example of Arnold’s ability and that cocky style of film…we know this isn‘t good and we don’t give a shit.

The story is simple, retired army Colonel John Matrix (Schwarzenegger) is living peacefully in a picturesque mountain cabin with his 11-year old daughter Jenny, a young precocious non-tattooed Alyssa Milano. He is a bad ass which is explained to the viewer by his opening intro, close-ups of his sweaty, shiny muscles as he carries not just a log, but what I’m sure is an entire tree. He is also a sweet family man which is shown to the viewer via a montage with his daughter, which includes obvious clichés such as shared ice cream cones and the feeding of an orphaned fawn (and no I did not make that last part up). Suddenly, an army helicopter flies in and General Kirby steps out warning Matrix that the men from his former platoon are being assassinated and he may be next in line. Matrix isn’t worried though, after all he has nothing to lose but his helpless young daughter. Not surprisingly the minute Kirby takes off, Matrix is ambushed and Jenny is taken hostage. The man in charge of the ambush, Matrix’ ex-commando buddy Bennett demands Arnie help his boss take down the current president of Cuba or Jenny is done for. Initially Matrix goes along, but eventually escapes and the rest of the film is Matrix as a one man army against everyone and everything in his way until he rescues Jenny.

Commando began development like any real man does, in the Playboy mansion. Director Mark L. Lester and writer Joseph Loeb III met at a party at Hef’s place and began discussing the possibility of making the picture. According to Lester, he was very intrigued by Loeb’s pitch and asked him to view the script to which Loeb replied, “If you see the script, you’ll never make this movie.” On the contrary, one of the best things about this film is the dialogue. Action films are often rife with trusty one-liners, most of the clever ones being given away in the trailers, but Commando is a film whose dialogue is simply ammunition for a machine gun assault of one-liners. Here are five of my favorites:

5. Arnold has cornered the bad guy who has his daughter. The bad guy brandishes a gun. Arnold suggests he drop the “chicken shit“ gun and they fight mano-a-mano or at the very least with knives. Arnie holds up a knife and says, “I know you want to look me in the eye and see what‘s going on in there just before you turn it.”

4. Arnie walks away from an exploding building, General Kirby says, “Leave anything for us?“ Arnold replies, “Just bodies.“

3. Arnold is asked by companion what he did to the punk he was questioning. The truth is he held the guy up by his foot then dropped him down a canyon. Arnold’s answer: “I let him go.”

2. Arnold is being attacked by a bad guy who says, “This Green Beret is going to kick your big ass.” To which Arnie replies, “I eat Green Berets for breakfast.” Begins punching the bad guy and says, “And right now I’m very hungry.”

1. Arnold impales a bad guy with a large pipe which immediately begins gushing steam. Arnold says; “Let off some steam, Bennett.” Brilliant. As a side note, apparently this was the first quip created for this scene, but the director tried a few more before he went with this one. Some of the others included; “Couldn’t handle the pressure, could you Bennett?” and “I’m tired of small talk.” How could they not see how ridiculously brilliant and simple the steam comment is the first time? The pressure comment was too scientific. It involves thought. Steam is right there coming at our face! At least they eventually figured it out.

Okay, so maybe it’s a little bit of a Schwarzenegger does Rambo, but the difference is Commando doesn’t take itself seriously. I’m fairly positive Joel Shumacher ripped off the close-up fitting-on costume armor scenes from the later Batman films from this one. Though there’s no latex cod piece shot, Arnie does strap on some huge round grenades right in front of his crotch, obviously implying something more subtle and more manly than latex (it’s all about the mystery Val Kilmer). Commando is still one of the best, the quintessential 80s action flick. If you’re still not convinced, I’ll break it down for you in numbers, because like this film it’s simple and I‘m not tired of it.

1. Explosions, explosions, explosions
Buildings, houses, boats, cars and even some dudes. The only thing that doesn’t explode in this movie is Arnie’s shirt, oh wait, never mind that comes off too.

2. Main character has a name that sounds like a term of endearment for a penis.
Check.

3. Cast
Arnold Schwarzenegger (as John Matrix), Bill Duke (as Green Beret), Vernon something (as Gary Glitteresque ex-commando in purple mesh top and leather pants, the Australian accent helps make up for this), David Patrick Kelly as punk enforcer (“Warriors…come out and play-ay!”) and even a cameo by Bill Paxton as Coast Guard guy who threatens to shoot down Arnie’s plane (whatevs, Coast Guard. Save the threats for the bad ass military branches).

4. One-liners
See above paragraph.

5. Rae Dawn Chong
Need a unnecessary love interest for your film with a little bit of an exotic edge, but nothing you know, too racy? Just call the essential harmless ambiguous ethnic of the 80’s, Rae Dawn Chong. Although every time she looks stressed or angry I imagine her turning into a gargoyle (if you haven’t seen that movie, you should).

6. Racist stereotype villain
Arius, the villainous, emotionless, killer Cuban dictator who wishes to become president is brilliantly played by Italian actor Dan Hedaya. With a horrible Spanish accent, a few unnecessary Spanish phrases thrown in and a Scarface-like demise, how could this be racist?

Though there are some great deleted scenes and commentary (mostly by Rae Dawn Chong) and tapes of Arnold filming at the time on the Director’s Cut DVD (by the way, Arnold does the best DVD commentary. Be sure to watch Conan The Barbarian with the commentary on, you won’t regret it) this movie is larger than life and is best seen on the big screen. The explosions are bigger, the clever quips are louder and Arnie’s muscles shine like they could never shine on your stupid, puny, girly man television set. Thank god Metro Classics is doing this film justice, or I suppose I should thank Mike and Sean. Thanks guys. Remember when I said I’d thank you first... I lied.

Coming Attractions: Commando

Wednesday, October 21st at 7:00 & 9:00.

Giveaways: Total Recall DVD courtesy of Scarecrow Video and a gift certificate for Rain City Video, respectively.

See you there!