Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The Critics Agree Part IV: Critics on Patrol

The following are real, unedited reviews from Netflix subscribers. Caveat emptor.

The Cabinet of Dr Caligari

--"The little screens with the words on them -- no idea what they're called, if they have a name -- were really hard to read; They were bright green and the letters looked like they were cut from construction paper by a 3rd grader on cocaine." --2 stars

--"Be sure to check out Rob Zombie's video for "Living Dead Girl." Rob is obviously a huge fan of the movie and his homage to its legacy is done thoroughly and respectfully." --4 stars

La Strada

--"I watched this film in my history of film class. I believe that this film is way overrated, along with most other art films of the era" --1 star


--"One either loves Kurosawa’s movies or hates them. I hate them. Though I admit, I hate this one less than the other Kurosawa movies I saw. On this movie, Kurosawa has hard time to talk in context, as usual. However, on this movie he presents characters and not shallow stereotypes." --1 star

--"The DVD was broken. We had to skip two very important chapters to see it through to the end. Please fix it!" --4 stars

Black Narcissus

--"I didn't like this film. I thought the characters were stereotypical. All of the pastels in the sets just didn't work for me. I got very bored with the film and stopped watching after about 20 minutes" --1 star

--"The reviews which describe this movie as "a painting" are right, but it is kind of like looking at a painting for 100 minutes. As beutiful as it is, it is not even a medium paced interesting film. It reminds me of The Sound of Music, but without the Music or interesting plot points. I made a mistake in renting this. I usually don't like "for everyone in the family" movies (and there is NOTHING offensive about this one). Safe for all ages, but not my cup of tea" --2 stars


--"Its pretentious, stupid, and moves along like a donkey ruminating betwixt a carrot or an apple, yet it somehow holds your interest long enough to not be thoroughly disgusted by the imbeciles who make up its cast. So I guess its somewhat interesting-but slow baby, slooow. I found myself praying that the main character would get the guillotine for being SUCH a poseur-but alas, the witless little turd doesn't meet a horrific fate-what this film needs is for somebody to light a goddamn fire underneath the languid wannabes who sleepwalk their way thru it-a film for phonies who think doing nothing is tantamount to deep thinking- its spare, minimalist style harkens not to a profound existential treatise on the soulless nature of the petite bourgeoisie-it speaks of the deluded boredom of the overeducated and underwhelmed.A real self concious bore and pass the benzedrine margaret, I think I see another scene coming up" --1 star

--"Rule 1. A film must not be so taken with itself that if bores everybody else. This film violates Rule 1." --2 stars

I Am Cuba

--"Parts were entertaining. It showed many aspects of pre-Castro Cuba.Of course itis a documentary and perhaps not made to be entertaining. Fair" --2 stars

--"The DVD I had did not have an option for any kind of subtitles. And I dont speak spanish" --1 star

The Dirty Dozen

--"Pointless, macho b*llshit made for the purpose of expatiating the sins of the Americans in Vietnam. Worthless.." --1 star

Hell in the Pacific

--"This movie Sucked, I am a big Lee M. fan and I who sooo disapointed!!!!!!!!!!!!!" --1 star

The Big Red One

--"Aside from the nudity, this movie was NOT great! It was, in my eyes, very boring, not very erotic, and it threw in a few "shock" scenes which added to it's bad quality. They tried to give some light "Caligula-type" shock but only creeped me out instead. It was definately a waste of my time!" --2 stars

--"Salon Kitty is a good watch. There is plenty of full nudity, both male and female. Director Tinto Brass is excellent at filming the female form. The films eroticism is broken up at times though with disturbing images. The acting and sets are very good. This print is very good with scenes I had not seen in another U.S. released tape." --3 stars

--"For some reason, two of the top reviews for The Big Red One are, in fact, about Tinto Brass's Salon Kitty, and while I"m sure there's some cross-over appeal between the two films, one should not be confused for the other." --5 stars

Onward and upward!

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