Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Critics Agree Part V: The Umpire Strikes Out

The following are raw, uncut, uncensored reviews from the denizens of Netflix. You have been warned.

Open City-

"Boring, pompous, and pathetic garbage -- very old italian fantasy about how heroic their nation is. OK, trains still don't go on time... Operetta germans, heroic priests, magazine-cover kids, forced conversation, bad (frequently missing!) subtitles, video quality low (all the scratches, blotches, and dark areas are here, just like you're watching the old film -- I mean, actually acetate film). But the video quality is not what's important here; what's important is that this is an old, shallow, and stupid film with a lot of phoney pathos." --2 stars


"I don't know why this movie is considered a "classic". It seems to be made with very little effort. Though the movie takes place in Miami and Brazil I don't think anyone making the movie ever left the soundstage. The plot is very simple with a dissapointing ending. The characters arent fully developed. And Hitchcock basically phoned-in the direction." --2 stars

"This disc is veray old and has places where it wavers and acts strangly. You might think about updating it." --3 stars

Blue Velvet-

"This movie was odd and strange. The description of the movie leads you to believe it would be really good. However, this movie is terrible. I would not recommend." --1 star

"If Dennis Hopper didn't have the "f" word he would be devoid of speech. Sorry to see the daughter of Ingrid Bergman reduced to such drivel. She must be turning over in her grave." --1 star

A Fish Called Wanda-

"I kept expecting this movie to get funny and it never did. Honestly i thought they had accidentally labeled it wrong. Very old and simple people might get a few giggles but there is nothing resembling a joke in this entire film." --1 star

The Manchurian Candidate-

"This was just an awful movie. The premise of the movie is okay believable. But, the side plots are ridiculous. For example, Janet Leigh is sitting on the train next to a total stranger (Frank Sinatra). He's flipping out from post war trauma. So, she gives him her phone number yeah, right. Then she looks up her fiance and explains that she has met someone else. That's just one example of how badly written this screenplay was." --1 star

Some Like It Hot-

"Not funny according to today's standards.Very skimpy dress on Marlyn. Also much too fat FIGURE." --2 stars

The Band Wagon-

"This Band Wagon is one that everyone should jump off of and find a more realistic use of their time with either another movie with some character or go to the park and feed ducks. Astaire is an overaged matchup for Cyd Charisse and appears to be asking himself continually, "what the hell am I doing here?" It looks more like a father/daughter relationship than an actual romantic encouter and musical story. This film is tragic and anyone who gave it more than a one should have a reality check. I know the 50's were a very rough time for the movie industry and with this picture anyone can see why....even the late Ray Charles." --1 star

The Wizard of Oz-

"Just godawful So cloying. The portrayal of the 'little people' with their helium voices is unbearable. All the characters are treated with nauseating condescension and frightening levels of sentimentality. At the center, poor busty Judy Garland bursting out of her dress, pretending to be a child, and off-camera being fed uppers by her mother. Yes, there's her powerful, beautiful voice to the rescue, but did any performer ever look so uncomfortable with herself and so miserable to be there? Her palpable itch to be anywhere else undermines the soggy cuteness of the movie, which - in its way - is good." --1 star

"I rented this to see what the story is with Pink Floyd's Darkside of the Moon. There were a few moments where the music coinsided with the film, which made it cool. To watch it, start the cd at the third lion roar at the beginning. The producer, Mervyn Leroys credit is at the transition from "Speak to Me" to "Breathe". When the cd ends, pause the movie and restart the music from the beginning." --2 stars

"I was SO glad to see that not everyone thinks this is the greatest movie. This is the goofiest movie I have ever seen. The acting is HORRIBLE, with the exception of a few songs, the songs are HORRIBLE, the plot is lame. The ONLY thing that is good about this movie is the color effects and the switch from B/W to color is clever." --2 stars


"Oh, I see, like "triumph of the will." You're supposed to end up rooting for the Nazis, right? No? Are you sure? Then who the hell am I rooting for? The completely vacuous Englishman? The least likeable female lead I've ever seen? (What is she, someone's daughter?) Oh right, Joel Grey, who is actually kind of awesome, even though he plays his character like some confusing level boss in an poorly translated Japanese video game. This movie had me thinking: "was the original play good? The book? How could they be?" This movie captures pre World War II Germany the way my farts capture what I just ate". --1 star

Goodnight and good luck.

1 comment:

Alex said...

re: "Some Like It Hot"— who's Marlyn? was Brando in that one? True, the film isn't funny at all by today's standards. There are no farts.