Monday, December 7, 2009

The Critics Agree

During this economic recession one must constantly be on the lookout for cheaper forms of entertainment. The days of frivolous jet-setting and high-end escorts are sadly on the wane. We as a nation must find cheaper and cheaper thrills (preferably whilst listening to Cheap Trick) to whet our insatiable appetites for distraction. It is under this pretense that I present the following frugal find to you. First I must preface the following endorsement with the disclaimer that it is intended for those that live out in the middle of nowhere (ahem, Sean). Enlightened Seattle-ites should be visiting their local video store, be it Rain City or Scarecrow, to get their kicks.

Netflix is a wonderful company that sends the entertaining, enlightening and/or enchanting DVD of your choice directly to your door. They also offer many streamed films and are continually tweaking a ratings algorithm to perfectly recommend content to you, so you will no longer need to think for yourself or branch out of your comfort zone. In addition they have an ever-growing interactive social network which allows you to see what erotic foreign movies your friends are renting and make recommendations of your own. And here my friends is where the fun begins. The reviews of complete strangers on Netflix are a bonafide bonanza of belligerent bullspit. One misguided, misspelled and mysterious review after another comes hurtling across the screen sprinkling my hitherto meaningless day with mirth. My two favorite types of reviews are the films that receive one star (out of five) because the DVD was broken, and the one-star review because the movie was in a foreign language. This is America for goodness sake, I shouldn't be expected to read when I stare at the television!!!


For our communal amusement I have decided to compile the best dithering diatribes written about former Metro Classics so we could indulge in our favorite pastime, having a laugh at the expense of other people. All erroneous/superfluous punctuation and misspellings from here on out are the work of their creator. Come, the seats at this Algonquin round table are filling up quick!

Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans


--"Excruciatingly slow. I sped through at double/triple speed. I thus was able to like the movie. There was a good storyline. And all kinds of innovative camera and special effects workings. Please watch the special feature to appreciate the movie even more. I tought the acting was nothing special." --3 stars

--"hated it cannot believe I watched the whole thing 80 characters in length is impossible for this film didn't merit that many words" --1 star

Duck Soup


--"What's up with the moron in the trenchcoat who never talks and keeps tooting that stupid horn? He's so obnoxious I wanted to punch him right in the nose! I'd love to see Moe Howard show him what he can do with that horn!! Oh, a wise guy eh?" --1 star

Casablanca


--"Oh hello! This movie was gay! I was so bored! I was looking at my boyfriend who loved the movie for some dumb reason. I don't understand why this is considered such as a great movie. The story was dull, the acting was way over the top, the music was cheesey. I didn't even finish it. I think people like this movie only because of the hype." --1 star

--"Could not view CDs sent. System connot play HD DVD. Have reorded and waiting to view. Thank you, Ron" --3 stars

The Searchers


--'Men LOVE this movie. I'm talking intelligent, openminded, successful men LOVE this movie -- I have no idea WHY! John Wayne and company ruin their lives to rescue his niece from Indians. Unfortunately, it takes so long to find her that by the time they do she is married to an Indian - a fate so horrendous that John Wayne decides to KILL HER! It's alternately boring and horrifying. If your husband, boyfriend, whatever recommends this and points to all the great reviews (and there are many great reviews) tell him you'll watch this if he'll watch "Beaches."' --1 star

--"I rented this after reading all the wonderful reviews. For my husband and I it was like torture watching this movie. My vision of hell would be to watch this movie or eternity." --1 star

Blow-Up


--"You have got to be kidding. What a waste of time. This is supposed to be a classic??? All I can imagine is that back in 1966 it was considered shocking and avant guard to show girls boobies (he doesn't show much) and kids smoking pot. Yahoo. And the brooding hero??? He's nothin much to look at, and so lethargic I can't picture him getting ANY action. Want brooding? Save your time and watch an early Marlon Brando movie." --1 star

--"Worst movie ever!!!! Plot was terrible, nothing redeeming to this movie. would never recommend to anyone." --1 star

--"This is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Your description lead me to believe the movie would be suspensefull and it was boring, weird and had no plot. I would give it 0 stars!!" --1 star

Taxi Driver


--"After all the years of hearing all the hype about this movie, I finally sat down and watched it. Mainly cause I like Jody Foster. What a rip! This movie was dull, dull, dull. It must have been a REALLY BAD, BAD, BAD year for movies for this snoozefest flick to get any kind of awards or nominations." --1 star

--"AUDIO IS OUT OF SYNC!!!! PLEASE FIX THIS NOW!!!! audio is out of sync!!! Please fix this now!!!!AUDIO IS OUT OF SYNC!!!! PLEASE FIX THIS NOW!!!! audio is out of sync!!! Please fix this now!!!!AUDIO IS OUT OF SYNC!!!! PLEASE FIX THIS NOW!!!! audio is out of sync!!! Please fix this now!!!!AUDIO IS OUT OF SYNC!!!! PLEASE FIX THIS NOW!!!! audio is out of sync!!! Please fix this now!!!!" --5 stars

Do the Right Thing


--"I basically avoid Spike Lee movies like the plague. To me, he seemed more interested in patting himself on the back, then making good movies. And he kept playing that annoying Public Enemy song over and over. When the Danny Aiello character took a bat and smashed the boom box that was playing that song, I cheered. That was my favorite part of the movie. Wasn't sure which was more annoying, that song or this movie." --2 stars

Miller's Crossing


--"What a long boring piece of crap. I fell asleep a couple times. Got woke up by a couple pretty good gunfights. Was so disinterested turned if off before it was even over. ok movie but boring, and not good" --2 stars

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon


--"If I could give it less than one star, I would. I don't know how people are so amazed by the action scenes in this movie. My husband is a physicist and we could only laugh at the lack of gravity in this movie. We gave it 45 minutes and after the second fight scene, we were done." -1 star

--"If you like poorly made video games this will appeal. No plot. joking unrealistic scenes! A waste of time!" -1 star

Bravo!

2 comments:

Mark said...

Do these people from Netflix even think before they make their totally unbaked comments? You have to love the stooge who claims TAXI DRIVER must have been released in a a bad year for movies.

Yeah, it was released the same year as films such as NETWORK, ROCKY and SEVEN BEAUTIES. Please, give me a break. I understand TAXI DRIVER isn't for everyone, but to say it had no competition for critical acclaim the year it was released is absurd.

Absurd...much like pretty much every other Netflix comment posted in this article.

Mark Vanselow

Mark said...

Oh, P.S.: TAXI DRIVER was released in 1976.